There is no room for the weak!

As a kid we all learn in science, the hotter a metal, the easier it is to mold. As the metal gets colder, the more rigid it gets. Not sure if this meant anything to me at that time but today this theory is my life’s saga. I was able to get hot, get hot to get molded into anything that they wished but I ended up being molded into the person I am today. As much as I thought I was smart, friendly, funny, interesting, today a shattering truth lays beneath me. Today the metal has frozen, it has become rigid, and the rigidness has made me a mean, cold person that you see in me today.

Incidents that used to shatter my heart have now become a way of life. When I had to fire an employee it broke my heart but today I was brutal, to snatch his job came to me like my second nature. There was no regret, no remorse. Nothing on earth looks or feels bigger than the pain that I have fallen through. The rational my brain gives for my vicious and surly behavior is that “This one is nothing in magnitude against what I had to face. If you can face and fight the indigestible horror…why not this employee!” My work is everything to me, it is my partner, it is my friend, it is my confide, it is my lover, it’s all that I live for. Yet, I have lost every motivation to do anything for my partner- my work. Is it my fear that I would just lose it like I always have with things that I most desire or do we label this as sheer disinterest cos it is unfair to blame everything on you, maybe I am just lazy, at least let’s keep it this way.

2010 has started; I thought I was the only one secretly complaining to myself about the bad start. Have to mention my manager is one adorable person, unfortunately she lost her dad on the 2nd of January, 2010. Her pain cannot be matched with mine but yet I did not feel sorry for her! I wondered why she did not show up to work! I thought, “Doreen (name changed) yours is a one time incident, when someone dies, it hits you hard but leaves you with a scar, a scar of good memories, happy past and a comfort that you were united as they parted. I am not even privileged to have a scar, I just get to be hit with and face this ugly truth every single day. So, quit complaining!” On the other hand, there was someone else not having a great start this New Year. My cute little cuppy cake, the infant and his mom, both down with viral fever. While the unforeseen agony of my manager did not get my eyelid to batter, it breaks my heart to hear that this poor baby had to go through nebulizations and injections. Weird to see that there is something that I still care for!

Other than that, things have really stopped mattering. True story, whenever I saw a spider sit on my water faucet, the old me would drown it and let it flush down the drain…. I now let it live, I let it walk away this morning. My sadistic attitude is taking a toll on me. I want to destroy everything; I want suffering all around me. I told the spider “Why don’t I give you a chance today and let you live, let you see how much it would have helped had I just drowned you because, living in this world is not easy my friend!” Couple hours later when the spider was starting to think it got a new life, I saw my mom crush it with her foot and kick it to a corner. She did not think it was important for it to live, there is no room for the weak. She did not care but someone else did, someone sitting in that very corner where my mom had kicked the spider. It was time to party for the little black ants in my bathroom….